baby’s first easter basket.

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there are so many exciting firsts to watch lochlan experience this year. we want to have a lot of traditions with him as he grows up, so i couldn’t wait to get started on making his easter basket. with easter just a month away, now is the time to start putting together your easter baskets, especially if you’re ordering personalized items.

starting with a basket, i wanted one that was personalized so it could be used for years to come. my vision was to fill it with sentimental, yet practical, items since he isn’t old enough to understand easter or appreciate that i put it together for him this year. books to add to his collection and a stuffed animal would be staple pieces. a pacifier and a personalized wood teether would be appropriate since he’ll be 3 months old by easter. lochlan was in need of another bath robe and i found the most adorable bunny slippers to go with it. his hair is getting long so throwing in some baby-safe hair product was the cherry on top.

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god gave us easter book / wubbanub infant pacifier / pat the bunny book
bunny wood teether / white spritz easter basket / jellycat bashful bunny
similar: gingham robe / infant bunny slippers / california baby jelly mousse

when i started thinking about what to put in a baby’s first easter basket, i’ll admit i was stumped. candy was all i remember baskets being full of! i just thought about items that will not only teach him about easter in the future, create memories with and items he could also use. i can’t wait to share this stuff with him!

xo Beck

lochlan’s birth story.

on the morning of saturday, january 7th, 2017 at 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant, i woke up to a missed call and a voicemail from my OB. he explained that my urine analysis result from the prior day’s prenatal appointment showed high protein and paired with the slightly elevated blood pressure i had been having, he recommended i go to the birth center to have serial blood pressure monitoring “just to be safe.” he mentioned that there was a chance they would admit me for induction based on mild preeclampsia. i would be 40 weeks the following day and my induction was scheduled for the day after that, so it was a realistic chance.

i woke Eric up and played the voicemail for him. we started to get excited as we got ready for the day knowing the potential of this being the day. we prepped the house as if we weren’t going to be coming home until we had a baby in our arms. the car seat had been installed and our bags had been packed. we were ready!

on the way to the hospital i called ahead so they knew to be expecting me. the charge nurse informed me that she had already spoken to my OB and had looked over my obstetric history. upon arrival to the birth center, we were walked to a triage room for monitoring. as we waited my blood pressure was still consistently elevated and after a while, the computer monitor went yellow with small type in the center that read ADMIT PATIENT. i couldn’t believe this was happening. all the years we had waited, the heartbreak we had gone through and despite being full-term, i still couldn’t grasp we were finally having a baby. our baby.

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my birth plan was simply to bring home a healthy baby. i wanted to go into this experience with an open mind, hoping to experience labor without pain intervention, but being completely open to it as well. i had never done this before and i had no idea what to expect, no matter how much research i had done. my plan was to make decisions in the moment as i went through the experience. working in the obstetrics and fetal field, i’ve seen too many women set themselves up to high expectations of exactly how they wanted their labors to be and unfortunately, labor is one of the most unpredictable events there is.

once we got to our labor suite, room 12, induction was started. i was 3cm dilated, 60% effaced & at a -2 station upon admission. we were initially told they would be breaking my bag of water within a few hours, but hours went by and we soon realized how slow the induction process might be. the first 12 hours not much happened. labor and delivery seemed to get quite busy and i think my nurse and the providers were tending to other patients. finally, at 2:00am on the 8th, they broke my bag of water. i was still just 2-3cm dilated and they hoped breaking my water would help things move along. over the next 2 hours my contractions sudden got incredibly intense. previously i had felt them, but they were not necessarily painful. they were coming on every 2-3 minutes and lasting a full minute, each time i had to focus and breathe through them. around 4:00am i talked to my nurse about pain options and she said she would call for the anesthesiologist to discuss an epidural.

the anesthesia resident and attending arrived and the room was set up for the epidural. they asked Eric to have a seat in the waiting room and they would get him when it was complete. with feet hanging off the side of the bed my nurse had me lean onto her. it seemed to be taking forever. the first attempt to insert the catheter in my spine had failed and the resident had to repeat it. i started to sweat, feel flush and get weak. i told the nurse i was not feeling well just before becoming unconscious. when i came to, there were people everywhere in the birth suite. my blood pressure had dropped extremely low. the sweet nurse was still grasping me as the epidural was finished and i was able to lay down. the baby was being monitored closely and was unfazed by the situation. by 5:00am, the epidural was done, i was stablizing and they let Eric back in who had no idea what had just taken place. part of me wished he had been there and the other part of me was thankful he didn’t have to witness what had just happened. as i began to feel better, i realized the pain of the contractions were gone. Eric and i were told to get our rest while we could, so we both settled in to try to get some sleep.

7:00am was shift change and shortly after starting her shift the new nurse came in. i was feeling so rested from just 2 hours of sleep, but definitely woke up feeling some pressure. i was checked and the nurse said “you’re complete, it’s time to start pushing!” i immediately shot a look at Eric. wait, what?! we had been told multiple times that our baby would most likely come later that day, yet somehow during a 2 hour nap my body had gone from zero to sixty. this was happening and it was happening right now.

the nurse wasted no time in setting up the bed and calling other staff into the room to assist. with my heels in the nurses hands i began pushing with each contraction. at this point i was beyond thankful i had gotten the epidural. it actually made the experience enjoyable for me. this was nothing like i had expected. with Eric by my side and the nurse giving me affirmations of what a great job i was doing, things happened so fast. the resident and attending arrived and jumped in as baby’s head was presenting. the attending was impressed with the full range of motion i had and said she only got to offer this to a few patients a year, but wanted to know if i desired to deliver the baby myself. i was eager at the opportunity. after just thirty-some minutes of pushing during contractions, our baby boy’s shoulders presented, i reached down and delivered him up onto my chest! i cut the cord since Eric did not want to, then they let me have almost an hour of skin to skin while the placenta was delivered and i was stitched up. holding our baby boy on my chest for the first time was absolutely surreal and emotions swept over both Eric and myself bringing us to tears. the emotions in those moments simply cannot be described.

lochlan welles henning was born at 8:18am on sunday, january 8th, 2017. 7 lbs, 7 oz and 21 inches.

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after they took lochlan to be checked i began shaking uncontrollably. my vitals were checked and despite shivering as if i were freezing, i had a fever of 101. they kept me in the birth suite until i could stop shaking enough to hold lochlan while they wheeled me up to our postpartum room. lochlan’s temperature was lower than they wanted to see so he laid in a special bed to warm up while i tried to fight a fever. after a few hours of being out of it and unable to hold lochlan, i talked the nurse into letting me do some skin to skin and nurse him in hopes my warmth would get his temperature up and he’d help my temperature come down. within a short time, we were both stable. lochlan had a large hematoma on his head most likely from me being complete and ready to push during my 2 hour nap and not being checked. we were given the good news that it was of no concern and would resolve on it’s own eventually.

those first 4+ hours after lochlan was born were such a blur and the next 2 days in the hospital were such a whirlwind. i was anxious to bring our baby boy home.

when i look back at lochlan’s birth i am so overjoyed with the experience. i am so focused on how beautiful labor and his birth were that i can easily forget the complications and things that were not ideal because i got to welcome this perfect baby boy into the world. i’m so happy with my decision to get the epidural, despite me hoping not to prenatally, because it let me enjoy the experience so much. when i think about pushing, the room was so calm and between contractions the environment was so casual. i’m so happy that lochlan came quickly, he clearly knew how long we had waited to meet him.

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i can’t believe he gets to be ours forever.
xo Beck

 

ivf #2.

i’ve had this post written for the better part of the past year and *spoiler alert* now that our son, lochlan, is almost 6 weeks old i figured i should probably stop staring at it in my drafts and post it already!

after we received the news that the transfer of our last embryo had failed in january of 2016 and the realization that our whole first round of ivf was a complete bust, we grieved. we had so much faith that ivf was our answer and were losing hope that continuing treatments would yield us the baby we so dreamed of. we had the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, yet all our testing was completely normal – none of it made sense.
we prayed so hard for direction and hoped 2016 would be good to us.

we didn’t waste much time before we started thinking about our next step. another ivf cycle was recommended and despite not having any answers we were told we simply needed to keep trying.

that wasn’t good enough for me. i felt very strong that i needed to attempt to find some answers before another ivf cycle. i made the drive to chicago multiple times in february of 2016 to see a reproductive immunologist who has spent her career working with patients who have experienced recurrent losses and immune issues effecting fertility. it was hard to proceed with another opinion knowing the financial burden it could incur, but i just could not move forward with more treatment until i felt like i had tried desperately to find an answer why we were going through what we had and finding a way to prevent it from happening again. the doctor recommended more blood tests and a uterine artery flow ultrasound study. my follow up consult came and i got the news that absolutely everything came back normal. i should’ve been happy to receive those results, but yet again we had no answers. the reproductive immunologist told me she did not recommend any more testing because i had exhausted everything. there was not a problem with my eggs, my cycle or my uterine environment. she could not recommend changing treatment or adding anything to my protocol because there was simply nothing she could find wrong.

all my normal tests left me assuming we needed to look at my husband further. his semen analysis results had previous come back with great numbers, but there was another test available to look at the dna fragmentation of his sperm, another expensive test out of pocket. we were preparing ourselves for the worst, even looking up sperm donor profiles online, partly as a joke but deep down inside knowing that could be our reality. the results were in and they were completely normal. as much as we wanted an answer i think we both were relieved this time.

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it was time to move forward with our second ivf in march of 2016. we felt like it was just us “going through the motions,” not truly having much faith left that we could expect a different result than we had been getting, but not willing to give up yet. we wanted closure and if this cycle failed, at least we could move on. we had been trying to have our first baby for 2.5 years at this point and couldn’t keep coping with the constant disappointment. trying to conceive had consumed our entire marriage since we said “i do” in october of 2013.

my reproductive endocrinologist did not suggest doing anything different this cycle, but did change my protocol to one i was familiar with when i was an egg donor, the long lupron protocol. this tended to yield more eggs than the antagonist protocol, but it also put me at a much higher risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (ohss), which if i got, there was a high chance our fresh transfer would be cancelled and a frozen transfer would be months down the road, more waiting.

my baseline ultrasound went great and i was ready to start the cycle! i had begun a gluten and dairy-free diet this time, which had me feeling great, and i even had an acupuncture appointment for the first time. i may have had less faith at this point in our journey, but i was still giving the cycle all i could.

i begun an aggressive dose of injections to stim as many follicles off the bat, then they were decreased and i was responding well. my estrodiol was increasing much more rapidly than they liked and we were warned our fresh transfer was at risk of being cancelled.

egg retrieval was scheduled for april 17 and we were very happy to get 23 eggs compared to 15 eggs our prior cycle! i was sent home to recover and we eagerly awaited fertilization results the following day. the call came and out of 23 retrieved, 20 were mature and 19 had fertilized – we could not believe it! i felt like i was recovering well and our transfer was scheduled for april 22, but we were again warned that if i showed up and had fluid in my abdomen or had any other signs of ohss, the transfer would be cancelled.

on day 3, we received the fertilization report that all 19 of our embryos were still growing – we were in complete disbelief!

april 22, transfer day. i was feeling great and a quick scan showed no pockets of fluid in my abdomen, much to the doctor’s surprise, and although her recommendation was to wait and do a frozen transfer, she said she’d allow me to proceed with transferring one embryo that day. there was no question in my mind, we were proceeding with the transfer. our previous ivf cycle i had at least gotten pregnant from our fresh transfer, but all our frozen cycles had failed.

one absolutely beautiful embryo was transferred. the whole way home i clenched the photo of the most beautiful day 5 blastocyst i had ever seen and could not stop commenting to my husband on how perfect it looked. we also received the news that in addition to the embryo we had transferred, we had 15 more grade A embryos that were being frozen. from getting 4 blastocysts our first ivf to 16 our second we could not believe it.

just 5 days past transfer, i took my first pregnancy test and there it was, two pink lines looking right back at me. we were pregnant! it was hard to not get a little excited as this was our first hurdle and it had been nearly a year since we had gotten a positive pregnancy test, but in the same moment we were also terrified. historically, a positive pregnancy test was the beginning of the end for us and if this was anything like the 7 previous times we had gotten pregnant, it was not going to end well. i proceeded to test every 2 days with great progression in my lines until beta day and continued with my daily progesterone in oil intramuscular injections.

first hcg on may 2 at 10dp5dt: 414.8

second hcg on may 4 at 12dp5dt: 814.6

third beta on may 6 at 14dp5dt: 1840

these were numbers we had never come close to before. we were scheduled for a viability ultrasound and were told as long as they saw what they needed to then we could schedule an appointment with an OB. this was all new to us. we had never gotten this far. we prayed so hard and i learned to celebrate each day as a milestone.

this was it. after years of waiting, so many tests and fertility treatments, tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket – we were having our baby. 

we may never find out why we went through what we have. why we had 7 chemical pregnancies or why we had trouble even getting pregnant at times, but one thing i know is true. we were waiting all this time for this baby. we were waiting for lochlan.

xo Beck

ivf #1.

it is difficult to summarize every aspect of a full ivf cycle that took us nearly a year to complete, from our first consult to the last transfer’s outcome. there have been so many emotions and moments that simply cannot be described, only remembered.

we started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist in early 2015 after a history of 6 early pregnancy losses and many months not able to get pregnant at all. something was clearly wrong and my ob/gyn could no longer help us. within a few months we were on the track to start ivf, giving ourselves the best odds of getting pregnant and it sticking. after lots of tests and prep work by june, our first ivf cycle was under way.

my medication had arrived and i was ready to jump right in.

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daily injections and every other day monitoring appointments of transvaginal ultrasounds and blood work to check my progress.

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i was responding nicely to the medication and everything was on track.

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my egg retrieval was june 23. everything went well and there were 15 eggs retrieved!

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out of the 15 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature and 9 had fertilized. these were great numbers! by day 5, when our embryos should make it to blastocyst stage, we had 4, which our doctor was very pleased with. on june 28, we transferred one embryo. we were ecstatic and so hopeful!

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just 5 days post transfer, i had a positive pregnancy test and things continued to progress.

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but things did not feel right. even after blood work to confirm we were pregnant, and my levels were great, the same thing that had happened when we naturally got pregnant started and i knew it was over. knowing something is wrong and there’s nothing to do about it made me feel more helpless than i’ve ever experienced. we lost our little apple seed and were absolutely devastated. nothing could have prepared us for how we felt in such a dark time. what is wrong and why does this keep happening to us? not even the doctor we had paid tens of thousands of dollars could offer us any insight. something was wrong.

after some time to grieve the outcome of our fresh transfer and have some additional testing that all came back normal, we were ready to try again and began to prep for a frozen transfer by fall. my lining was looking great and i started intramuscular injections of progesterone.

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on october 29, we transferred 2 embryos to increase our odds of one sticking.

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10 days after the transfer my blood results were negative. the cycle had failed, we lost both embryos and we were left devastated again. how could it be that we had gotten pregnant 7 previous times, but not even ivf could get us pregnant now? we again, were offered no insight why the cycle did not work and there was no additional testing to offer us. we were simply told to keep trying.

we had one frozen embryo left and the only thing we could do was proceed with another frozen transfer. 2 days before christmas on december 23, we transferred our last embryo from ivf #1. the little embryo that could, we had so much hope for you!

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blood results 10 days after transfer confirmed the cycle had failed and we were out of embryos.

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our first ivf cycle was a complete bust. it was hard to accept, but all we could do is keep trying and start another ivf. i know someday we’ll look back on this long struggle and it’ll all make sense. it’ll all be worth it.

xo Beck

 

anthro-inspired quartz knobs.

anthropologie carries these fabulous crowned quartz knobs and the second i saw them i was determined to have them somewhere in our house, but at $28/each i knew i’d be making my own to get the same look.

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i purchased a koppang 3-drawer chest from ikea (since discontinued, but similar to hemnes chest of drawers) for our dinette area to add extra storage and to de-clutter our kitchen counters by moving my espresso machine. for the price of one quartz knob at anthropolgie i made 6 for the chest and now have an adorable espresso bar. i could not be happier with how they turned out and might just like them better than the ones from anthropologie!

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i purchased 6 white quartz necklace pendants off etsy for $4.40/each, then purchased 6 brass drawer knob bases for $0.59 at a hardware store. i used a pliers to pull the pendant hook off and glued the based on the back of the quartz with epoxy. after a day of drying, i attached my new anthropologie-inspired drawer knobs with screws i had to the drawers and started styling my espresso bar. this project was so easy!

xo Beck

 

infertility warrior.

eric & i starting trying to conceive 2.5 years ago, right after we were married in 2013. our desire to start a family right away was so strong, but no amount of planning would have prepared us for the journey we were embarking upon to have children.

we have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. we’ve endured extensive testing which has all come back completely normal. not having any answers has made our decisions moving forward at each step very difficult, wanting to try something new or different for fear of getting the same results, but having to weigh the emotional, physical and financial toll along the way. the heartbreak and disappointment we’ve experienced repetitively would be enough to break anyone down, and i’ve had my dark moments, but it has only brought us closer together in our marriage and we remain determined to be the parents we know we’re meant to be.

currently, only 15 states in the U.S. require infertility coverage by insurance and wisconsin is not one of them, leaving us paying 100% out of pocket for all testing and treatment. 1 in 8 couples has trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy and 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. we all know someone who has struggled with infertility or a loss.

it’s hard for me to attempt to summarize what we’ve been through over the past 2.5 years, so i’ll make future posts about specific parts of our journey and write a list on the highlights so far here:

  • 7 pregnancy losses
  • 74 monitoring appointments & consults
  • 3 letrozole cycles
  • 2 clomid cycles
  • 1 ivf egg retrieval
  • 1 fresh ivf transfer
  • 2 frozen ivf transfers
  • hundreds of self-administered injections
  • 1 hysterosalpingogram
  • 1 endometrial biopsy
  • 1 uterine artery flow ultrasound
  • 1 semen analysis {for hubs}
  • 1 sperm dna fragmentation assay {for hubs}
  • over 150 lab results
  • extensive chromosome & genetic testing
  • over 1,000 days of prenatal vitamins
  • tens of thousands of dollars invested in testing/treatment
  • 877 days of prayer

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…and our journey continues.

xo Beck